Kids need limits and rules. That’s the bottom line. What do limits and rules have to do with bonding and maintaining positive relationships in developing mental strength? Setting limits sends the following underlying messages to our kids:
- I love you enough to pay attention to your actions.
- I love you enough to keep you safe.
- I love you enough to provide discipline.
- I love you enough to show you how to take care of yourself.
- I love you enough to give you what your brain needs.
After more than three decades of working with parents and their kids, Dr. Amen has found that all families are unique. However, some foundational rules are beneficial for all parents and kids.
Rule No. 1: Tell the truth.
Honesty is an important value in our family. If you break that rule, you not only get in trouble for doing what you shouldn’t have done, but you also get in trouble for lying.
This rule applies to little lies and big ones. When you allow a child or teen to get away with the little lies, the bigger ones are easier to do. One of the best gifts you can give a child is to teach them to be honest. If they can be honest with the world, they are more likely to be honest with themselves. Of course, this means if you want children to follow this rule, you cannot tell lies. Children do what you do, not what you tell them to do. So, when you’re with your child and someone calls to invite you to an event and your phone is on speaker, do not lie about why you can’t make it.
Rule No. 2: Treat others with respect.
This means no yelling, hitting, kicking, name-calling, or put-downs. Relating to others in a positive way is a skill many children (and adults) lack. Disrespect breeds conflict, social isolation, and loneliness. Respect is crucial to good relationships with others. When you relate to others in a positive, respectful manner, you will attract many more positive people and situations. Teaching this lesson to children early will save them years of frustration.
Rule No. 3: Do what Mom or Dad says the first time.
Authority is good, necessary, and makes kids feel secure. Yet more and more parents are leery about exercising their authority. They’re not quite sure if it’s a good thing, so it’s easy to lean toward being permissive. What is worse is becoming ambivalent—sometimes we’re tough, and sometimes we’re not—leading to confusion for children.
When Dr. Amen would tell his son, Antony, to take out the trash, if he didn’t start moving within a reasonable period of time, say 10 seconds, Dr. Amen would give him a warning. “Son, I asked you to take out the trash. You can do it now, or you can take this consequence, and then you’ll still have to do it. It’s up to you.” Dr. Amen trained his son that he was serious the first time. When you communicate the expectation that your child must obey you and you’re willing to back it up, they’ll get the message and start to do what you ask the first time you ask.
Rule No. 4: No arguing with parents.
Many children—especially when they become teenagers—continually argue with their parents. Now, it does come with the qualifier to remind your child, “I want to hear what you have to say, but I only want to hear it once.” Some children are born to argue—often due to overactivity in the brain’s anterior cingulate gyrus. They will just go after you and after you and after you and after you. If you let them continually argue with you, guess who else they go after—their teachers and other people in authority.
Rule No. 5: Respect each other’s property.
This means we ask permission to use something that does not belong to us and encompasses prolonged borrowing and stealing. So a child is not allowed to take things out of a sibling’s room. This rule prevents a lot of fights. If you catch your child stealing from a store, take the child back to the store and have them confess to the store manager. Then have the child return the item and pay the value of the item to compensate the store for the trouble. This technique will get your child’s attention and decrease the chances that stealing will be a problem in the future. When a child steals or breaks something of someone else’s at home, hold the child accountable for that item and pay (in money or work) for the item to be replaced.
